Orchard of Mines
by Beriathwen
Summary: Oneshot. Kakashi is regretting his actions towards Sakura, unable tosay he's sorry and the past is torturing him more than ever.


**Author: **Beriathwen

**Fandom: **Naruto

**Summary: **Kakashi is regretting his actions towards Sakura, unable to apologize, his past torturing him more than ever.

**Author's note: **This is my first tragedy fic, so constructive critisism is appreciated. I also advice you to listen to Orchard of mines by Globus. It's a great song.

**Orchard of Mines.**

* * *

_**Don't taint this ground**_

_**With color of the past**_

_**Are the sounds in bloom with you**_

_**Cause you seem like **_

_**An orchard of mines**_

_**Just take one step at a time**_

He was standing there like always, head slightly bowed while the rain cascaded down his body like a river washing away all the sins he had ever committed. In his hands was a diary, worn out with a missing spine not even holding together by the seams. The man had obviously read it thoroughly many times. The hand not holding the diary was clamped together in a fist, shaking slightly.  
If one only looked at him briefly one would see a man that was silently praying for his lost comrades and friends, completely lacking emotions like a true shinobi. But if one took the time to actually study the silver haired man, one would see his rigid form and shaking hands. But if you would watch for more than a minute he would disappear in a cloud of smoke, never the one to be seen when not in character. No, Hatake Kakashi would never let anyone in on his feelings.

_She was eighteen and had already been__ through more than her comrades, and still she was smiling and acting as if she was fine. He, however, knew she was not. He could see the same emptiness in her eyes that he knew lingered in his. Her smiles and laughter did not contain the same innocence they had six years ago. But then again, that was not uncommon.  
When people were not looking, her façade would disappear and one would be able to see the living proof that time does not heal all wounds. She had perfected the fake smiles and laughs to the point where even Kakashi would be fooled. And he had been, for quite some time. Even the day he had stumbled upon her standing by the memorial stone, he did not notice her changed aura so he left, letting her pay her respect in peace. After all, it was not uncommon for shinobis to drop by to pay their respect. But if he had stayed, only one more minute, he would have noticed the hollow eyes, and the apologies that left her mouth. And he would have known that he was not the only one who was haunted by ghosts of the past._

Kakashi clutched the diary tighter, scrunching up his face in an effort to keep his emotions pent up. He raised his left hand and covered his eyes as his head fell forward and his shoulders slumped even more than usual.

_**And you seem **_

_**To break like time**_

_**So fragile on the inside**_

_**You climb these grapevines**_

_**Would you look now**_

_**Unto this pit of me on the ground**_

_**And you wander through these**_

_**To climb these grapevines**_

_**Vines**_

_The __fourth time he came upon Haruno Sakura at the memorial stone he knew something was not right. It was the third day in a row that she had kept him from his need to torture himself with painful memories and wallow in guilt. The first time she had beaten him to the memorial stone was almost a year ago, and he understood her perfectly. At that time it had only been three weeks since Naruto died. But now, he noticed her hunched posture, the fact that she did not move a single muscle and the aura of loneliness surrounding her. When he made his presence known, she turned around and he caught a glimpse of a pair of dull eyes before she disappeared in a shower of sakura petals.  
The next few days he noticed that Sakura had indeed changed. She was not as enthusiastic about Ino's gossip as she should be, she did not reprimand him when they talked and he had his _Icha Icha _book in hand, he noticed how her face became dull when she thought no one was looking, how she never got mad when someone beat her in poker and how false her smiles and laughs had become.  
He let her be, not one to prod in other people's business when he knew he was not wanted. So he played along, pretending that he had never seen her at the memorial stone and she did the same. But he could not help but notice that she seemed somewhat excluded from the other kunoichis. She hardly spent any time with Ino, Ten Ten and Hinata anymore. He saw her often sitting alone at the bar drinking, ignoring the men that tried to make contact clearly lost in her own thoughts. Against all the personal rules he had and with the little voice in his head screaming to let her be, he decided to keep her company._

"I'm sorry" the silver haired shinobi whispered and touched the stone where her name was engraved. "I'm sorry for everything".

_**I say it to be proud **_

_**Won't have my life turned upside down**_

_**Says the man with some**_

_**With some gold forged plan**_

_**Of life so incomplete**_

_**Like weights strapped around my feet**_

_**Tread careful one step at a time**_

_The following months Sakura and Kakashi became close friends, almost to the poin__t where they were joined by the hip. Wherever she would go, he would go too. And wherever he would go she would follow. And then he realized he was in too deep. He had managed to get some of her fire back, and she had burned him. He was almost addicted to her sarcastic sense of humor and her way of making him smile even when he was so depressed that he hardly managed to get out of bed. But she was still there, clinging to him as if her life depended on it. If anyone had insinuated such a think she would have denied it and beaten them into a pulp, but he knew it was true. He was beginning to develop a great deal of feelings towards the pink haired kunoichi that seemed to constantly be on his mind. When she was on missions he could not do anything but worry about her. During her longer missions weeks passed where he spent the night pacing back and forth in his apartment praying to whomever would listen that she would come home safely. And when she did, he would order her to stay at his place and keep him company. And he knew that she felt the same way about him. She became almost livid when another woman hit on him, even though he never showed any interest. She denied this vehemently, of course, but he could see the faint smile on her lips when he would turn the woman down.  
Kakashi knew that this was dangerous and did the only thing he could think of. He shut her out._

Kakashi dropped to his knees and let his head rest against the cold, wet stone. The diary was now drowning in water and mud, the ink on the pages becoming smeared, making the words unreadable. He closed his eyes and conjured a picture of a smiling pink haired kunoichi. He scrunched up his face, but this time he could not stop the tears from leaving his eyes and mingling with the water running down his face. He could hear a faint rumbling in the background, but paid it no heed.

_**And you seem**_

_**To break like time**_

_**So fragile on the inside**_

_**You climb these grapevines**_

_**Would you look now**_

_**Unto this pit of me on the ground**_

_**And you wander through these**_

_**To climb these grapevines**_

_He avoided her like the plague, always choosing the least obvious places to train and eat. He even started to socialize with Maito Gai on a regular basis. He would think that he was beginning to get over her, but then he would see her in the streets and her lonely and questioning eyes would find his and she would break him all over again. But he knew it was nothing compared to what she was feeling. He knew that he had broken her more than Uchiha Sasuke had when he left Konoha, and he hated himself for it. But he could not let her get any closer to him than she already had. He had avoided relationships of any kind since he was twelve, and then she had come along. So alone and broken, just like himself and he just had to get involved. He needed her like a plant needed rain. He stopped eating and could not sleep. And when he did, she would be there, smiling and reprimanding him on his choice in literature. His dreams would sometimes become more intimate, and when he woke up he would take a cold shower and mentally slap himself several times. But he was stubborn and had convinced himself that if he let it continue, he would hurt her even more than he already had.  
He completely ignored the little voice in his head that scorned him and told him that he was the one afraid to get hurt._

The diary had left Kakashi's hands and the wind picked up its pages and littered across the ground. The rumbling came closer and the wind carried the scent of bloodbut the silver haired man did not move.

_**To know**_

_**To feel**_

_**To play me once again**_

_**Do you denote from what we feel**_

_**Do you not know**_

_**I see you play the game**_

_**Do you denote**_

_The fifth Hokage had summoned both Kakashi and Sakura to her office. Kakashi was there first, to everyone's astonishment, and politely ignored Sakura when she entered. He could feel her questioning gaze throughout the entire ordeal, but shook it off li__ke one would an annoying insect, though he wanted nothing more than to hold her close and whisper sweet nothings into her ears and make her pain go away.  
The mission they received was of grave importance; if they failed war would be upon them. Kakashi, Sakura and the two other shinobis that were assigned to the mission went through the plan and headed out, Sakura imitating Kakashi's attitude; pretended they did not know each other and only spoke when it was necessary. The mission went relatively well until they were on their way back. The shinobis from the other country had followed them and they were greatly outnumbered. The four were separated and had to fend for themselves. Kakashi only fought with half a mind, the other keeping tabs on Sakura, making sure she was still alive. He tried to get closer to her, but the enemies kept coming no matter how many he killed. At one point he completely forgot to pay attention to the enemies surrounding him when Sakura was nearly beheaded. He kept repeating that Sakura was a remarkable kunoichi and would not go down without a fight and forced himself to focus on his own enemies. But they kept coming and he knew it was hopeless. Still he kept fighting, hoping to be able to see Sakura at least one last time. It was then a shinobi with a katana, three times longer than Kakashi thought possible, was about to run him through. He prepared for the pain he knew was about to come, already worn out by the loss of chackra and the cuts he had received. Before he knew it, a pink blur had hurled herself in front of him and pushed him back, taking the blow that was meant for him. _

_Sakura stood before the silver haired shinobi, slightly bent forward with the katana jutting out of her back. She fell to the ground as other Konoha shinobis leapt from the trees, coming to their aid. But Kakashi knew it was too late. _

Screams and the ringing of weapon meeting weapon reached Kakashi's ears and he lifted his head slightly. The rain had intensified and he was now thoroughly drenched. He could hear the tramping of feet and knew a larger group of people were approaching. Whether they were allies or enemies he did not know. Nor did he care.

_**La flama niposa**_

_**La ombra dispare**_

_**La noce immortale**_

_**La voce murmure (1)**_

_Her head was in his lap__ and he was cradling her, determine of never letting her go. She smiled up at him and he knew her life was forfeit. She coughed and blood gushed out of her mouth. She muttered an apology but he waived it away, trying to get his vocal chords to cooperate. He could see the life leaving her and that people he could not yet see were welcoming her with open arms. He stuttered and tried to string a sentence together but failed. She smiled and he knew a witty remark would have been aimed at him if she had not been in this current predicament. The pink haired kunoichi took a few deep breathes before she opened her mouth. Her words were strained and she was not as articulate as she usually would have been, but Kakashi managed to understand what she meant. She reached into her hip pouch and handed him a notebook with a sad smile. Kakashi opened and closed his mouth, but no sound escaped. Sakura chuckled, and started to cough as blood had gotten into her windpipe. She gave him another sad smile and whispered three last words before her eyes glazed over and the hand that had caressed the Copy Nin's cheek fell limply into his lap._

The enemy shinobi had found Kakashi and were daring him to face them. The Copy Nin did not move but continued to stare intently Sakura's name on the memorial stone. He smiled sadly, regretting not being able to say how he felt. But then again, he had never been good with words. Now he knew how she had felt about him, and he was sure she knew that he felt the exact same way.  
The sound of kunais and shurikens being pulled out of several hip bags reached Kakashi's ears and he braced himself.

He was pushed forward by the impact of weapons hitting his back and he used the stone to steady himself. He could feel the blood leave his body and he became numb, a feeling that was welcomed by the Copy Nin. As he felt the life leave him he looked up and smiled.  
In front of him stood Obito, laughing and kidding with Rin. Behind them stood Asuma with the ever present cigarette in his mouth laughing at something the sandaime had said. Minato smiled at him and nodded before he turned back to Jiraiya. The Sannin gave him a grin and a thumbs up before continuing to explain something to the Yondaime. Itachi and Kakashi's father were standing slightly behind his former sensei and favorite author. His eyes trailed to the front where Naruto and Sasuke were smiling at him, the blonde with slightly more enthusiasm. He managed to notice that they had their arms around each other in a brotherly way before he saw the hand that had reached out to him. His eyes trailed up the arm before is eyes locked with the pink haired kunoichi he had come to love. She was smiling at him, every trace of sorrow and loneliness gone from her eyes. Kakashi sighed in relief before taking her hand. She gave him a grin and pulled him towards her, a comforting white light engulfing them.

_**To know **_

_**To feel**_

_**To play me once again**_

_**Do you denote from what we feel**_

_**Do you not know**_

_**I see you play the game**_

_**Do you denote**_

* * *

1. The flame rests, the shadows disappears. the night it's immortalized, the voice murmurs. I think. If I'm wrong let me know.

R&R and I will be a happy girl!

.com/watch?v=AXw5hlJQbWA one of the best AMV's I have ever seen. I've seen it about ten times and it still gives me goosebumbs:)


End file.
